I often try to do my best, to work hard, to make as few mistakes as possible, and just plain old rock.  Do you know how hard that is to keep up something like that in everyday life?  It's very hard.  It's so hard to act like everything is okay everyday.  It's so hard, especially for me, to ask for help.  It's so hard...to rely on Him.  Ouch!  I said it.  I don't rely on my God as much as I know I should.  I measure myself by the world's definition of significance and attempt to show how great I am.  In that single sentence, there's not even a hint of God there. 

I can feel His nudges.  I can sense His presence.  But yet, I don't let Him take control.  I've been trying for so long to have control over my life that it's been almost like an obession to see what "I" can make happen.  I hear the words my husband speaks to me, "He's got it.  He's in control."  I nod my head in agreement, while I wonder, "What can I do?" 

While looking into the story of Rachel and Jacob, I laughed a little at Rachel, but then sadly realized, I. Am. Rachel.
"When Rachel saw that she wasn't having any children for Jacob, she became jealous of her sister.  She pleaded with Jacob, 'Give me children, or I'll die!'  Then Jacob became furious with Rachel.  'Am I God?' he asked.  'He's the one who has kept you from having children!'  Then Rachel told him, 'Take my maid, Bilhah, and sleep with her.  She will bear children for me, and through her I can have a family, too.'"  Genesis 30: 1-3
Rachel was in competition with her sister Leah for having babies.  That is definitely not a competition I want to participate in myself.  That's about the only place that we differ.  Rachel was trying to validate her own life by the world's standards of having sons.  When it wasn't happening for her, she basically said, "Forget it, God!  I'll do it on my own."  She took the family planning into her own hands, instead of resting in the fact that "God's got it."

I don't want to be a slave to the thoughts and opinions of the world.  I NEED and WANT to rest in God's identity and seek His validation, not the validation of others.

Lord, thank you for showing me an area of opportunity; I know I have many.  I ask for your forgiveness for not relying on you and trusting fully in you.  Thank you for your loving and gentle Spirit.  Guide me and help me to follow.  Amen.
 


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