So It Goes

There are days that I kind of "forget" that this has happened to my family.  I "forget" because it makes it easier.  I "forget" because I'm used to shoving things down.  I "forget" why I'm here.

This has been one thing that M. has been trying to get me to do.  To remember. 
It's difficult to truly rehash everything.  Everything that I've shoved down, way down deep. It's like a dark place that I don't want to get lost in.  That's why I've been delaying in writing my angry letter.  I don't want to go back to a place that makes me feel like crap.  I don't want to remember the pain that I felt as a teen and young adult.  However, I know that in order for me to heal, I have to let go of the hurt.  That hurt has had a hand in who I have become today and who I want to be for me children.

I hope that by the end of these 31 days I wil have my letter down and forgotten. 

One Day At A Time

I still haven't put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard to write my letter.  I passed my parents again.  Today it wasn't as painful, but it hurt nonetheless.  At this point, I'm just taking everything one day at a time.

Do you ever have yourself?  I do.  A lot!  And with technology the way it is today, I don't look crazy anymore.  Though the times that I'm bawling in my car while driving probably doesn't look good to those driving past me. In my conversations I 1) talk to God and 2) have conversations with myself about something that is bothering.  You can imagine just how many conversations I've had recently.  When I talk with God, I picture Him in my passenger seat.  I turn and look as if a physical body were right there.  The peace that I feel with that picture is so overwhelming.  When I'm done talking, the hardest part for me comes next; listening.

Now it's His turn to talk.  His turn to lay it out there for me to hear.  Sometimes He doesn't say but a word.  Sometimes it's the comfort I feel in my heart.  And sometimes I hear His heart poured out for me.  He's there holding my hand...EVERYDAY!  He knows the outcome and He's walking right beside me.  He'll never leave and that's the most stability I will ever know.  I say that because our friends and families can and will disappoint us, but God never does.  He's only got the best in mind.  Now right now I'm trying to figure out what "the best" is, but it's slowly unraveling.

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