It showed up on my phone as "Restricted Number."  I hestitated to answer it because I knew of only one number that called me that has their number restricted; my parents.  What could it mean that they were calling me?  Did they want to sit down and talk again and clear the air?  Had the time come for true healing and forgiveness?  Sadly no.  My dad called to have me taken off the Costco account.  I spoke longer to the customer service representative at Costco than I did to my dad.  I actually caught myself hanging onto the line to see if he would come back on to say anything.  Unfortunately, all I heard was the call being disconnected.

Disconnected.  Separated.  Cut off.  Detached.  I never realized how disconnected this whole debacle could make me feel from family.  I have a hole in my heart.  My parents raised me from birth when my own biological parents could not.  They put a roof over my head, fed me, clothed me.  Everything a parent is supposed to do.  They gave me lots of stuff.  But the stuff didn't matter to me.  I think that is why they felt I was so selfish.  The stuff was just stuff, at least to me.  What my heart wanted, what I craved so desperately was love; in my language.  I've noticed that my love language changes according to who I am around.  I just took the test again and my primary love language is physical touch, followed closely by words of affirmation.  If they only knew my love languages when I was growing up, then maybe they would've chosen better words than "slut" or "fat" (but what could you replace with those words?!).  And maybe more hugs and kisses may have been given.  I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet that things would have been different.  But I cannot dwell on what may have been, so I will continue to learn what my children's love languages are so that I can make sure that they feel loved beyond any doubt.  I want to make sure that I make those love connections with my kids.

My parents' love language seems to be gift giving, but when I think about gift giving, you give freely, with no strings attached and no expectations on how that person is to use that particular gift. So I'm not sure what their love language is and I'm pretty sure that if I ever gave them the book, they wouldn't crack it open.  That's just been my experience with them in that setting. 

So what am I going to do? 

I will continue to pray for healing for everyone involved.  I will continue to dive down deep into God's word.  I will continue to bare my heart and soul so that God can work on and in me.  Right now I just want to shake them awake and say, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"  Anger and frustration are so powerful. But God is bigger than it all.   I know it's going to take longer than 31 days to heal myself and to truly forgive them.  So I pray that both will come quickly. 
Psalm 119:114
 You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope.

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