Breathe.  Just breathe. 

This is what I have to keep telling myself after what has happened.  This is so surreal.  I don't know if I can fully process everything that is floating around in my head.  My head and my heart are throbbing.  Throbbing with such pain.  Pain that I didn't know really existed in my soul.  I knew it could happen, but what person, what child could expect the unexpected?

The two people I grew up with have said that their love is conditional.  That their love comes with expectations.  Ouch!  I feel like I have been punched in the stomach and every bit of breath in me is gone.  Who took my breath away?  My grandparents.  My Mom and Dad who have raised me from birth since my biological parents are no longer in the picture.  My Mother passed away when she was 26 years old and I never met my Father.  By taking on their roles, they were supposed to take on every part of the role, which I thought included unconditional love.  Or so I thought.

I have so much anger and pain in my heart right now, yet I feel so numb.  Though in my numbness, I am seeking out the Bread of Life. 
Ephesians 4:26
And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.  Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
I have heard and read these words many times before, but now their truth is screaming at me.  I don't know how long it will take to let my anger and hurt go, but I know I need to do it.  I also know that I will need to forgive them 

I hope that in these next 31 days I will be on my way to healing my emotional self, walking side by side with my Forever Dad in heaven.

Hey look at that...I'm still breathing!
 


09/30/2012 10:25pm

Super-hugs to you, girl... You know where to find me when you need to talk. xoxo

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Kate
10/01/2012 9:20pm

Thanks. I totally felt the hugs!

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10/01/2012 3:06am

Kate,
Thank you for sharing your heart. I feel it. I feel you. I'll be praying for you. I look forward to seeing where this series goes; how He heals you in the process :)
xoxoxo
-Mandy

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Kate
10/01/2012 9:20pm

Thank you Mandy.

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10/05/2012 1:51pm

I found your blog through your FMF post, and that post really struck a chord with me because I could totally relate to what you were experiencing and saying. So I skipped back to the beginning of your 31 day posts and started reading. My heart just breaks for you having to go through this. I know the pain you are feeling because I have felt it this summer, too, except the people whose love ended up being conditional were my husband and his family. I know what it is like to have someone who promised to always love and cherish you - to stick with you through thick and thin - selfishly decide that they didn't mean it after all because you failed to ensure their constant happiness. And when he decided to leave, his whole family - mom, dad, and sister - my entire local support system since I live 5 hours away from my nearest family members - decided to cut off all contact with me, too. Including my best friend of 18 years.

I know the hurt, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment. I know what it feels like to shake with rage at the selfishness of people who are supposed to care about you. To sit on my bathroom floor and sob until I can't breath and my eyes burn. I've been there with you. And the only thing - the only One - who could make it better was Jesus. Cling to Him with all you have, because He's clinging to you.

It's been five months since my husband walked out. Now I'm in the middle of a divorce I never wanted or asked for. I'm not sure when it will be over. But God has been working on me and in me to heal me as I have desperately sought Him during this time. I still have days where all those feelings rise up, but they are becoming fewer and far between. It is very much a grieving process. Find a support group, find a good Christian counselor, or a group of friends you can be real with. Those things were instrumental to me moving forward toward healing, as was blogging about what I was being taught. The key is to be transparent so others can support you. Blogging about it is AWESOME.

It WILL be okay. You WILL be okay. No matter what happens with them. He will heal you and restore you and mend you. But you have to keep seeking Him.

Will be adding your blog to my feed and praying for you throughout this process. Hang in there.

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Nancy
10/06/2012 5:03pm

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your words of encouragement. I truly appreciate them. I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. God is good amongst the ugly times and I'm so glad he is! I'll be praying for you and your healing, too. He's got us and I'm happy that he does. Blessings Nancy.

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Thanks for the info! :)

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